Saturday, December 22, 2007

California Screaming

Well, I guess I have good news and bad news. Bad news first. The Hedge Funder dumped me. I didn't have a bad dream. This is not a joke. This actually happened. All was perfectly fine and we had been in constant communication while he was in Arizona and just when I asked about his arrival date and time in California to meet me for the holidays - he dropped the bomb. We had moved too fast and he felt it was way too early to meet my family. OMFG.

I mean yes....we had moved fast - fine! And yes, it was very soon to be meeting my family. I agree with him on pretty much all fronts....however, I was only following his lead on how fast everything was going (I think?) and he was the one who offered to come to California with me on Christmas. In fact, I hadn't even invited him. He just offered...and we weren't even staying with my family. We had a suite at the Peninsula for God's sakes and he was coming merely for moral support - not as some announcement of our future together to my dear 'ole Dad who I don't even like. I never even see my Dad. It is not like I am introducing him to my Mom (which would actually count in my eyes!) Who does this kind of thing? My Dad was expecting the Hedge Funder to show up. A real life, actual boyfriend of mine. Me - with a boyfriend - the one thing my Dad never thought I would ever be able to get if my life depended on it. How on earth would I even explain this to him? My Dad already thinks I am enough of a loser and this inopportune break-up was the last thing I needed just days before Christmas. I mean, if I wasn't already dreading the thought of being made fun of by my Dad; being mocked by their pretentious guests for being "so American" as they put it; or meeting siblings that I've never seen before in my life...I can now add to the list, that I will also be dealing with having been freshly dumped. Dumped by a short guy with stained teeth and a receding hairline. A distant cousin, perhaps, of Danny Devito...just gave me the boot, people.

I then did the pretty much unthinkable. I decided to not immediately accept the break up over the phone by the Hedge Funder (as if I had any choice?) I broke down. I cried, I whined, I begged him to reconsider. I pointed out how it was his idea to go to California and then I started hyperventilating. I think I even said the words "You can't d-d-d-d-d-do this to me-e-e-e-e-e" that was heavily punctuated with sobs. I literally became so hysterical on the phone over the fact that I thought I had found my soul mate (and he was anything but); I felt close to being considered a little less than a total loser to my Dad (which I undoubtedly would be to him now); and that someone could dump me on Christmas as I was heading to the airport...thinking I'd see him in a day or two.
I know - I should have accepted the break-up with grace and gotten off the phone with my dignity intact, in an ideal world. I know that I showed the Hedge Funder the most psychotic possible version of myself and I will never, ever, get him back after that reaction. I acted like an imbecile and I made the mistake of proving that dumb Hedge Funder right. I took the news so badly, that I made sure that he would have zero regrets about his decision. He said he'd call me after the New Year to check in on "where we are." I don't even know what that means, nor do I care. In fact, I'm pretty sure that he just said that to get off the phone with me, the blubbering idiot, as fast as he possibly could have.

Oh.....almost forgot - I did mention that there was good news. I found a replacement. I remembered that a friend of mine....who just so happens to be one of Time Magazine's 100 most influential people of the year (three years in a row) and a best selling author was planning to be in California for Christmas and he was available for dinner. I mean - maybe I did have to dangle that a 23-year old supermodel would be there. But quite frankly, my Dad won't know the difference between a Hedge Funder and a darling of the literary world. The guy just has to be straight, impressive, and standing next to me when I ring the doorbell on Christmas Eve. He wasn't exactly gorgeous, but one can't complain with that resume and his last minute availability. Now, my ego might be taken care of in the context of dealing with my Dad, but my heart is in total shambles in the context of dealing with the Hedge Funder. How could I have been so wrong about him? What did I miss? I supposed I never claimed to be "love smart" - that is for sure.

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