Saturday, July 14, 2007

Bye Bye Love

We can all rest easy. Count Bambi is back where he belongs - in his native France. His visit was a complete and utter disappointment and I feel like a fool.

I saw him a bit here and there before he took off, but nothing of significance happened. I mean - he did tell me that he thought I needed a hair cut because my hair was too long (when I had it cut less than a week ago.) He did tell me that he would never have a long distance relationship (and why couldn't he mention this when we were in France?) and he also confessed that he felt there were too many differences between French and Americans for it to ever truly work out anyway (ummm, yeah tell that to Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis, but whatever!)

I couldn't fake that it didn't matter or hurt. I couldn't hide that I was crushed and I was quite embarrassed that he had access to that level of vulnerability without earning it first. Knowing that it was over before it had even begun, I told him my true feelings that I thought he was amazing and that I had been willing to do most (if not all) of the traveling. I am not so ridiculous that I was positive it would definitely work out long term (O.K. at least to him), but I did know that I had enough feelings in my heart to at least give it a try. I was willing to put myself out there and take a risk. I thought he had been someone worth the leap of faith. All I got in response, was a pained expression on his massive blue eyes and nodding. Lots of and lots of nodding and the feeling that he wanted to hit the eject button and get as far from me as he could possibly get. God, that was an awful realization.

In reality, I suppose that I couldn't really imagine the true love of my life despising my dog or never being able to give me flowers without risking a hospital visit. The guy who is right for me would have said some kind words about my apartment, even if it isn't a castle. He would have noticed how cute I looked and blown off Beyoncé any day of the week to sit at a table with me instead. I guess thinking about it - I do believe that I probably would not have wanted to continue further with him either based on what I saw on this trip, but I didn't have the chance to reject...because I was already rejected before he even got here. That does suck though. He actually left New York thinking of me as a love struck kitten pining for his affections and willing to do anything to make it work.

That isn't the case though. Not anymore. I wish I could tell him. It would be pretty pathetic however if after someone says they don't want you - that you say don't want them either. Why would they believe you? It seems like a knee-jerk reaction from a bruised ego, instead of the truth. But it is true, so for whatever it is worth.....Count Bambi, I don't want you. I would never marry you and I can do 10,000 times better than you, so good luck and good riddance, you cigarette smoking, asthmatic moron! Even my dog is too good for you. Onwards and upwards!

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