Sunday, December 30, 2007

Bah Humbug!

Quick holiday update - the holidays were kind of a bust, as I'd feared. Literary Darling was a perfect escort - but despite the fact that Bill Gates has actually paid this guy to talk to him about his research, my Dad had less than zero interest in him at all when he is sitting in his house - for free. My date might have a few books on the New York Times bestseller list, but my Dad doesn't read the New York Times....or anything else, for that matter. He has a new obsession since I've last seen him - and no, it is not his little rug rats, but golf. Seriously - what is with the golf? First the Hedge Funder and now my Dad? It just makes the pain of his absence even worse as the Literary Darling doesn't have so much as an athletic bone in his frail little body. He is thus duly ignored throughout dinner by my Dad. I suppose that is better than to be berated by him? In any case, my Dad and the Duke spoke about golf courses in Scotland all night; while my Step-Mother and the Duchess discussed the children (the Duchess is apparently the Godmother to one of my half-siblings); and my date was riveted by none other than the supermodel - who has just decided to become a race car driver. Whatever! How does one follow that up?

I couldn't wait to leave. I checked out of the Peninsula (in which I downgraded the suite to a mere room due to the absence of the guy who was actually supposed to be paying for all this) and flew home. The Hedge Funder hasn't called even though I check my phone constantly. How can someone be that interested and then suddenly go completely cold? I didn't do anything. I was just sweet and receptive to his advances to me. I really can't dwell on him though. It is just too depressing.
Speaking of cold, because I have no date or even a single party invite for New Years Eve - Annie and I have booked a table for two at the Waverly Inn for dinner. It is over $300 per person - but I feel like it will be worth it. Otherwise, consider me officially looking forward to the end of 2007. ASAP!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

California Screaming

Well, I guess I have good news and bad news. Bad news first. The Hedge Funder dumped me. I didn't have a bad dream. This is not a joke. This actually happened. All was perfectly fine and we had been in constant communication while he was in Arizona and just when I asked about his arrival date and time in California to meet me for the holidays - he dropped the bomb. We had moved too fast and he felt it was way too early to meet my family. OMFG.

I mean yes....we had moved fast - fine! And yes, it was very soon to be meeting my family. I agree with him on pretty much all fronts....however, I was only following his lead on how fast everything was going (I think?) and he was the one who offered to come to California with me on Christmas. In fact, I hadn't even invited him. He just offered...and we weren't even staying with my family. We had a suite at the Peninsula for God's sakes and he was coming merely for moral support - not as some announcement of our future together to my dear 'ole Dad who I don't even like. I never even see my Dad. It is not like I am introducing him to my Mom (which would actually count in my eyes!) Who does this kind of thing? My Dad was expecting the Hedge Funder to show up. A real life, actual boyfriend of mine. Me - with a boyfriend - the one thing my Dad never thought I would ever be able to get if my life depended on it. How on earth would I even explain this to him? My Dad already thinks I am enough of a loser and this inopportune break-up was the last thing I needed just days before Christmas. I mean, if I wasn't already dreading the thought of being made fun of by my Dad; being mocked by their pretentious guests for being "so American" as they put it; or meeting siblings that I've never seen before in my life...I can now add to the list, that I will also be dealing with having been freshly dumped. Dumped by a short guy with stained teeth and a receding hairline. A distant cousin, perhaps, of Danny Devito...just gave me the boot, people.

I then did the pretty much unthinkable. I decided to not immediately accept the break up over the phone by the Hedge Funder (as if I had any choice?) I broke down. I cried, I whined, I begged him to reconsider. I pointed out how it was his idea to go to California and then I started hyperventilating. I think I even said the words "You can't d-d-d-d-d-do this to me-e-e-e-e-e" that was heavily punctuated with sobs. I literally became so hysterical on the phone over the fact that I thought I had found my soul mate (and he was anything but); I felt close to being considered a little less than a total loser to my Dad (which I undoubtedly would be to him now); and that someone could dump me on Christmas as I was heading to the airport...thinking I'd see him in a day or two.
I know - I should have accepted the break-up with grace and gotten off the phone with my dignity intact, in an ideal world. I know that I showed the Hedge Funder the most psychotic possible version of myself and I will never, ever, get him back after that reaction. I acted like an imbecile and I made the mistake of proving that dumb Hedge Funder right. I took the news so badly, that I made sure that he would have zero regrets about his decision. He said he'd call me after the New Year to check in on "where we are." I don't even know what that means, nor do I care. In fact, I'm pretty sure that he just said that to get off the phone with me, the blubbering idiot, as fast as he possibly could have.

Oh.....almost forgot - I did mention that there was good news. I found a replacement. I remembered that a friend of mine....who just so happens to be one of Time Magazine's 100 most influential people of the year (three years in a row) and a best selling author was planning to be in California for Christmas and he was available for dinner. I mean - maybe I did have to dangle that a 23-year old supermodel would be there. But quite frankly, my Dad won't know the difference between a Hedge Funder and a darling of the literary world. The guy just has to be straight, impressive, and standing next to me when I ring the doorbell on Christmas Eve. He wasn't exactly gorgeous, but one can't complain with that resume and his last minute availability. Now, my ego might be taken care of in the context of dealing with my Dad, but my heart is in total shambles in the context of dealing with the Hedge Funder. How could I have been so wrong about him? What did I miss? I supposed I never claimed to be "love smart" - that is for sure.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Daddy Dearest

I have never been so happy in my life to call my "oh so scary" Dad. I wanted to let him know my travel plans for my upcoming visit and to let him know that my "boyfriend" (ha, ha...haven't been able to say that in a while) is coming with me and that we will be at the Peninsula. Silence. I was basking in the glow for a few seconds of assuming that he was shocked that either his daughter, or her boyfriend, or both are quite successful (as we will be staying at the most swank hotel in town) and not asking to stay in his guest cottage Oh, I really savored the thought of him looking at me in a flattering light for once when all was interrupted by laughter and him blurting out "Boyfriend??? We were all pretty sure that you were gay. I mean...aren't you close to 40 or something? Gosh, someone has finally agreed to put up with you and that mouth of yours? Good on ya." Ummmm.....and so it begins!

He obviously hasn't changed one bit - and he doesn't even know how old I am? In fairness, I don't think he knows how old his younger children are exactly either - so at least it is across the board disinterest and it isn't just limited in my direction. That makes it somewhat, less bad. Kind of. My Hedge Funder will definitely be in for an interesting holiday though - that's for sure.

My Dad (who is still enjoying the fame from the one hit song he was famous for in the 1960s) and his Emmy award winning newscaster wife are hosting Christmas dinner with mostly her family plus a Duke and Duchess from London, and a supermodel. Shit. I forgot that my Dad is so social despite the fact that he is still riding on his success from that one darned song. I really didn't want to share my Hedge Funder with a 23-year old, 6-foot tall model at Christmas dinner (which is probably the reason I look so old and short to my she hangs out with him more than I do), but anyway! I am just happy that I have some support - and that I have a (drum roll please) - BOYFRIEND! I mean, my Dad doesn't need to know that I only met the man of my dreams about three weeks ago and that we've only been actually dating for a little less than a week. Details, details. In fact, I think that arriving with a person who thinks I'm great might just be the wake-up call that Daddy Dearest needs.

Monday, December 17, 2007

The Sky's the Limit

Vroom, vroom...the Hedge Funder and I are full speed ahead. As two people who are completely obsessed with each other would do...we spent every last second of the weekend together. I swear, I would just move in with him if he asked me - and yes, I know....we have been dating for all of about two minutes, but still.....when you know, you know.

So, where oh where do I start! First of all, he devastated me with news that he leaves on Monday for the rest of the year. He is heading to Arizona to stay at the Fairmont Scottsdale Princess where he has a casita for two weeks by himself. I guess his dirty little secret is that he has an almost crack like addiction to golf? His apartment had one entire closet dedicated to golf stuff. His coffee table was covered in golf magazines and his TiVo was chock full with - you guessed it - televised golf tournaments. He even added that when he gets married that he plans to have vows which somewhat relate to his future wife allowing him plenty of time on the golf course. Mmmmm-kay. I suppose of all the vices out there, golf addiction should be on the lower end of the anxiety scale, right?

I confessed to the Hedge Funder that for the first time in ten years, my Dad has invited me to his home in California for Christmas. We have had a tumultuous relationship - at best - but I was so flattered that he even cared to ask me to see where he lives for the first time, that I blurted out an immediate "yes" without really thinking it through. Quite frankly, I'd rather be heading in the opposite Belgium to be with my Mom and my Step-Dad, but I was kind of locked in already. Plus, my Dad has a wife I'd only seen in magazines and three (yes, three) young children that I'd never met. It was definitely time...although, I wasn't quite sure that I was as mentally prepared as I would have liked to have been for what will most definitely be a Christmas full of insults, low blows, and constant criticism. Unless, of course my Dad is either recently medicated or has undergone a frontal lobotomy? One can only hope.

The Hedge Funder then threw out the nicest Christmas gift anyone could have ever given me. He offered to join me in California for the holidays. He said he would book a suite at the Peninsula - and that he would be as involved or invisible as I needed. Being Jewish, he didn't exactly celebrate Christmas - and besides, he was quite sure that a few days away from the golf in Arizona to be at my side when I needed a friendly face the most was not just was he should do - but it was what he would do. Wow. I was beyond blown away and I think that my Christmas is going to be just perfect after all.

The Hedge Funder even promised that if my Dad wasn't going to be in the holiday spirit, then we would certainly find some somewhere along Rodeo Drive. If only the Hedge Funder knew what his three day trip out to L.A. meant to me. He is seriously the kind of man every woman wishes for and he now has me wrapped completely around that chubby little finger of his. He is seriously wonderful. Like - oh my God - incredible, just amazing, and stupendously great. If I might say so myself!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Shiny Happy People

So, my dinner last night at Smith's with the Hedge Funder went just as swimmingly spectacular as the first. He picked me up in his chauffeured car; we were quickly escorted to the best seat in the house by the owner, no less; and everything was impeccable from his choice of wine, to his outfit, and his sense of comedic timing with our endless stream of amusing conversation.

I can't be quite sure if my face hurt more from laughing or from making out by the time I arrived home - but regardless, I am in heaven. The worst part about the entire evening was that it had to end - but I think that he and I like each other so much that we don't want to completely mess things up by moving too fast, so a "good bye" at the end of the night was definitely in order.

I have never liked a someone so much, so quickly - and thankfully he feels the same, otherwise, I would be totally embarrassed that a veritable orchestra strikes up a symphony inside of me every time he looks at me, calls me, texts me, or even accidentally bumps my knee with his under the table at dinner. One could just stick a fork in me at this point - as I am pretty sure I'm done!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Prince Charming

Just like the man of your dreams would actually do in your dreams - the Hedge Funder came home a day early, because he couldn't wait to see me. He booked a charming restaurant I love called August on Bleecker Street and made sure that I knew that he still had me the next night as well at Smith's. I asked him if he wasn't being slightly cocky assuming that we would hit it off as much in person as we had on the phone, but he insisted that he has never been more sure of anything in his life as our two back-to-back dates. I suppose a guy who has gone from nothing to looking at $20,000,000 apartments before the age of 35 probably has pretty good instincts, so why doubt them?

The Hedge Funder called me on his way into Manhattan from his chauffeured Escalade and sounded funny. He actually sounded so weird that I was sure he was cancelling on me and I had only told my Mom, my co-workers, my high school friends, the Junior League girls, my neighbors, and just about any one else that would listen that I had found my Prince Charming. Cancelling on me just had to be out of the question. Luckily - that wasn't what was wrong with him. He wanted to know if I remembered what he looked like? Of course I did. No, actually I didn't. Ummmm, truthfully - all I could remember what that he had on a great outfit. I had a clear vision of him in my head from the neck down. If he was stunning - I would have remembered....or deformed, I definitely would have remembered. In fact, I am pretty sure he looks normal. I'd say, brown hair, brown eyes...6-foot tall - if I had to guess? Silence. I guess I guessed wrong. I really didn't care though. We had the best connection that I have ever had with anyone - and he can look however he wants to look and I will be fine with it. I am beyond being superficial. Also, I am pretty sure he has no idea what I look like exactly either. Can he?

In any case, I was a little underwhelmed when he showed up at my door. He was probably about 5'7", thinning brown hair, bulging blue eyes, a massive nose, and a perfectly round face - like a Cabbage Patch Doll. When he opened his mouth, it got worse because he had dark, stained, pointy teeth and an underbite. I must have been extremely distracted the day I first met him...because missing the fact that he had been beaten with the ugly stick this badly was really quite shocking on my part. Had I gone blind? Or was I just growing up?

On the plus side, he had on yet another spectacular outfit (which I later found out was styled for him by his "people at Bergdorf") and he was a total gentleman. We did hit it off in person and when his tiny, little baby hand reached across the table to hold my significantly larger one - I actually felt sparks. No - not sparks of shame to be out with this dapper little dwarf, but real sparks of physical chemistry. I think I will be able to kiss him, after all. And I was...

After the Hedge Funder's black card was swiped - we had barely left the restaurant and we kissed and kissed and kissed. He took me home and didn't even try to come upstairs. We had an amazing night and I couldn't be happier that I only had to wait less than 24-hours for the next date. I have definitely just kissed a toad and I am fully expecting Prince Charming. How on earth did I get so lucky with this one?

Sunday, December 9, 2007

The Marrying Kind

The hedge funder called me the very next day to let me know that he was in a car heading to the airport. He had a business trip to Sweden and then to London and would be gone for about ten days. Damn. So much for my distraction that I so much needed! His voice was ridiculously sexy and he had something I hadn't experienced in quite some time - wit. He had me laughing for about half the phone call and I seriously was disappointed when he had to go. I have a slight inkling the Hedge Funder doesn't play "Guitar Hero" after work for entertainment. I finally have a guy with a brain. Hallelujah. I wonder what is the catch? Or have I actually found "the one"?

Then, I get a funny e-mail from him when he arrived in Stockholm.....with a very detailed account of his seat mates on the plane. He was seriously hysterical. And so literally every single day - for ten days - we wrote each other twice...and he called usually once per day. He wanted to know every detail of my life from the moment I was born to the present day. He asked a zillion questions and he had just the right balance of sensitivity and humor when I revealed myself to after day.

The Hedge Funder had grown up poor and lost his Dad from pancreatic cancer when he was about 12. Raised by a single Mom, he did his best to do well enough in school to earn a full scholarship to Yale. His Mom was a psychologist - but she struggled to pay the bills and he vowed that he would always take care of her. And he has. He still misses his Dad as if he died yesterday - and the one void in his that he is so successful at the tender age of 34 is to find a real soul mate and start a family of his own. His plan was to retire at 40 and to be a stay at home Dad...never missing a moment of his own kid's lives. Seriously - split screen to me.....melting into a puddle on the floor. The Hedge Funder could not be more sincere and I have never felt a deeper connection to anyone more than I did with him in my entire life. I adored him and hearing from him was the highlight of my day.

We were both so excited about his return to New York. He had booked us a table at Smith's a new restaurant on MacDougal Street and he noted my address so that he could pick me up - as he was quite sure that I would never forgive him if I ruined whatever fabulous shoes I planned to wear on our first date. He also admitted that he had never, in his entire life, had the feelings for a complete stranger as he had for me. He was sure that we must have shared a past life experience or something? It was all so weird. I mean - I never understood how people can get married after knowing someone for a month or two, but now I get it. There are some people who just get you. Like right away. I am in trouble and I can't wait for the Hedge Funder to get back to the city! And fast! I have SUCH a good feeling about this one. I might have actually met my future husband, I swear.